Fighting for my Freedom

I can’t even begin to express the pain and sadness I have felt in the past few months. I have been anxious,depressed, exhausted, emotionally hurting, just pained. The thing is I know it’s my fault! I know that God is greater than anything I have or will go through, yet I allow myself to stay trapped in this hamster wheel of pain and suffering.

It’s a daily struggle for me to remind myself that I belong to someone else, I am not my own but I belong to Him. I don’t do my job, be a mother and a wife for myself, I have to do it for Him, and I seem to have lost that focus. I know that He must increase and I must decrease. Everything I do must be for his glory and not for my own. My job can be stressful, especially when it feels like I get nothing in return. In times like that I have to remember that my reward is in heaven, I don’t always get the praise that I want here on earth.I have to look at my job and my life through a new set of eyes, through His eyes. I know that I have got to start doing everything in love. This has been so hard the past few months.

I personally have been through things that I don’t have clarity on, things that i don’t know why they happened but I trust that God allowed them as part of his plan. But there are things that have  happened in my life that I came out of with a stronger faith, an ability to really see God for who he is. Through the struggles I have seen the power of my God. I have seen healing of all sorts, emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual. I have experienced things I never imagined I would experience. Even after having seen Jesus for who He is and Him being everything the word says he is I still allowed myself to “fall away”.

In January my church hosted an event called World Mandate. This event is hosted pretty much every year. After all I’ve been through this past year and “falling away” I was kind of hesitant to go. Part of me was excited, the other part scared because I already had an idea of what was going to happen. I told myself though no matter what you are going and you are going to sacrifice these 2 days to focus on God, no excuses. I was anxious, I didn’t plan anything out for the weekend and I said I’m gonna wing it.

The very first night of World Mandate during worship I had a breakthrough, a crying out to God.I don’t think I have ever called out to God as a father . I cried out “daddy” to God. I wept, fell to my knees, I felt free for the first time in a long time,I cried so much it felt like I was letting my pain just run out. I felt His unfailing love. My heart felt at peace and I thanked God for allowing me to finally feel something, I had allowed myself to feel numb for so long. I begged forgiveness for the person I had allowed myself to become. I had become mean, lacking empathy, unhappy. It was liberating to experience God that night.

The 2nd day of World Mandate I took my daughter with me and prayed things would go well as she is 4 years old. I had felt like such a failure this past year, I felt like I was a horrible parent and nothing I did was right. I know I had tried to model for my children a relationship with Jesus even though I felt like I personally failed. As we began worship the 2nd day I look over and I see and hear my 4 year old worshiping with me. While I was in deep worship I heard a little voice crying out JESUS! JESUS! I looked over and saw my daughter crying out to HIM! I fell apart, tears flowed, all I could think was ” she knows you Lord, she sees you, she knows that you are the Lord, why can’t I have that faith, that pure belief,renew me God, let me see you like she does!” This little person beside me reminded me who God was.She helped open my eyes.

It was so wonderful this year for my 8 year old to participate in World Mandate as well. He attended the kids conference and it was so amazing to see what God did in him. A few days after World Mandate I was feeling kinda “blah” and I came across a booklet my son had brought home from World Mandate. As I read the things my son had wrote down, things and people he had prayed for I felt renewed. I was I can honestly say that World Mandate was a turning point for me and my family. Things have not been perfect. The enemy is working overtime to get me back to where I was. But there is victory in Jesus over the enemy! I have immersed myself back into community where I can be spiritually fed and held accountable.I am on a new path, a path to growth in Jesus!

I just want to close out with prayer.

Dear God, I thank you for allowing me to open my eyes to you. I thank you for a renewal in my spirit. I thank you for growth and restoration in my home. I pray that your Spirit would continue to cover us and guide us. I pray Lord for a continued outpouring of your love over us. I pray for a revival in the church. I pray that your people would continue to rise up and your word would be spread across the nations of the earth, so that all may hear. I pray that hearts would be turned back to you, lives would be changed, families restored. A resurrection of the dead hearts! I ask this in your sweet name Jesus.

This was my daughter passed out on the couch at church after worship the 2nd day of World Mandate.

 

The road to hell is wide, but the way to heaven is narrow and few will follow that path.

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